4 Apr 2017

What You Need to Know About What Rape Victims Need from You

Authored by: Amy Oestreicher, survivor, PTSD peer-to-peer specialist, actress.  amyoes.com

I grew up believing that my entire life would be dedicated to the performing arts. Now, I’m a survivor and “thriver” of sexual abuse, 27 surgeries, coma, organ failure, and the PTSD that comes from ten years of trauma – or what I now call my “beautiful detour.”

My beautiful detour began when I was 17, when I was sexually abused by a voice coach who had become a mentor, a friend, my family.

As if dealing with sexual abuse from a trusted friend weren’t enough, when I was 18, I suffered septic shock caused by a blood clot. I was in a coma for six months, and after a total gastrectomy, I was unable to eat or drink a drop of water for six of the past ten years.

After 27 surgeries, my body was miraculously reconnected with the intestines I had left. To persevere through those tumultuous years took great inner and outer strength – strength I didn’t know I was capable of until I was tested.

I learned that the human spirit feeds off of hope, and hope is fuel we can cultivate ourselves. Ultimately, I learned that with resourcefulness, creativity, unwavering curiosity and the support of others, a survivor can transform any adversity into personal growth and a resilience that is uniquely her or his own.

And while the personal growth and resilience a survivor achieves may be his or her own, achieving them is not accomplished alone. I want to share what I’ve learned about how friends, family and other loved ones can ease and facilitate the survivor’s journey from damaged to healed—and perhaps even more than healed.

Encourage the Survivor to Report

According to RAINN, an average of 68% of sexual assaults in the last five years were not reported.

You can be an active part of lowering this statistic by knowing how to best support a survivor and knowing what to say to someone who has been assaulted.

Why is it hard for survivors to report an assault?

It’s best to understand why sexual assault is so infrequently reported. As a survivor myself, I experienced each of these barriers:

> We don’t know how to speak it.

Survivors of sexual assault might not have the words or vocabulary to report that they’ve been violated. It took me years before I could even begin to articulate the turmoil that was rattling inside of me. It was terrifying for me to actually verbalize the fact that had been betrayed by someone I really trusted.

> We don’t know who to tell.

It can be very difficult to find someone we feel comfortable enough sharing this with, especially if we haven’t fully processed it for ourselves.

> We’re scared we won’t be believed.

We fear that when we finally do work up the courage to tell someone, we won’t be taken seriously.

> The Dangers of Not Speaking

Holding the secret in can slowly shift to self-blaming.

In reality, the only person that can actually prevent the rape is the rapist. But for survivors, it’s often easier to go through that mental checklist of things we “could have” prevented, because we can rationalize. We think, “If I hadn’t been there, or worn this outfit, or been with this person, I wouldn’t have been assaulted.”

It’s how we try to come to terms with what happened. What results is a damaging self-blame that we don’t deserve.

Undeserved Shame

If a sexual assault survivor is already saying these kinds of things to her- or himself, imagine how hard it is to actually speak out. When we keep our trauma hidden and self-blame, it turns to shame.

The shame that survivors feel is a tremendous barrier to reporting.

How can you help someone overcome their barriers to reporting?

Create a safe place for reporting to happen, with an open heart. It took years for me to feel comfortable sharing my own story, but knowing how imperative this was for my own healing process inspires me to help others do the same.

At a very vulnerable time, learn how to best support a survivor.

What to say to someone who tells you they have been assaulted

I believe you.

You are safe.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I’m so glad you are telling me this.

This is not your fault.

Whatever reaction you are having is normal.

You are not going crazy.

Things will never be the same, but things will be better.

I am here to support you through this.

Just as important is knowing what not to say

Why or how could someone do this to you?

The survivor will begin to wonder what they could have done to “make that happen.”

I understand.

Even if you empathize, or are a survivor yourself, respect that you will never know what it is actually like for the survivor and their own individual experience.

It could have been worse. You’re lucky that something more awful didn’t happen.

If you hadn’t been ____, maybe this would not have happened.

It’s not your fault, but, maybe you shouldn’t have___.

You’re going to be fine.

It’s not fine right now. People need to feel the pain and difficulty of their experience. It will get better, but they need to find safe ways to be whatever they are feeling right now.

A survivor has every right and reason to feel what they are feeling right now. Let them know that.

Helping Break the Silence

Most importantly, listen to the survivor. Let them say as little or as much as they need. Follow up with them if you can. And know that you have made a tremendous impact on someone’s recovery.

The support I received made everything possible. It helped make me willing to intentionally wander from the life I planned and embrace my “detour” as an opportunity for discovery. This is not the life that I planned for myself – but does anyone’s life ever work out exactly how they plan it?

I was not able to fully appreciate the beauty of my detours until I was able to share my experiences. As a performer, all I’ve wanted to do is give back to the world. But now I have an even greater gift to give: a story to tell.

But first…I had to learn how to speak it.

So many gifts came out of this. I discovered painting in hospitals and flourished as a mixed media artist with solo art shows, merchandise and creativity workshops. I wrote a one-woman musical about my life, “Gutless & Grateful, which I’ve performed in theatres across the country for three years and now take it to college campuses, conferences and support groups as a mental health awareness and sexual assault prevention program. After never having a boyfriend in my life, I tried online dating, got married, did a TEDx Talk about it, and then, when suddenly faced with divorce, I realized strength I never knew I had. And I finally started college … at 25 years old.

Everyone has a place in sexual assault prevention. Together, we can help all survivors come forward to share their story and heal.


About the author

Amy Oestreicher is a PTSD peer-to-peer specialist, artist, author, writer for Huffington Post, speaker for TEDx and RAINN, health advocate, survivor, award-winning actress, and playwright, sharing the lessons learned from trauma through her writing, mixed media art, performance and inspirational speaking.

Her original, full-length drama, Imprints, premiered at the NYC Producer’s Club in May 2016, exploring how trauma affects the family as well as the individual. “Detourism” is the subject of her TEDx and upcoming book, “My Beautiful Detour,” available December 2017.

She’s contributed to over 70 notable online and print publications, and her story has appeared on NBC’s TODAY, CBS, and Cosmopolitan, among others. Learn more at amyoes.com. Watch Amy’s TEDx Talk: A Detour is Not a Dead End here: Amy’s TEDx Talk: Detour

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